Reframing Divorce Part 1
The things nobody wants to hear (but are probably most important to understand)
The decision is made. Maybe you made it, maybe they did, maybe it made itself over years of small moments that added up to something neither of you could ignore anymore. It doesn’t matter how you got here. Here you are. And if you’re honest, part of you is already building a case.
You know what they did. You know what it cost you. You’ve gone over it enough times that the story practically tells itself now, and the people who love you have heard every chapter. They agree with you, which feels like oxygen, which feels like finally being seen.
I’m not here to take any of that from you. What happened, happened. The hurt is real. And I’ve been in that story too, longer than I want to admit. It felt righteous and justified, and every time someone agreed with me it felt like I was winning something.... until I realized the only person I was winning against was myself.
That story you’re carrying, how heavy is it? And who is it actually hurting?
When we’re embedded in being right, the world gets smaller. Thinking narrows, flexibility disappears, and every new moment gets filtered through the old wound. You stop responding to what’s in front of you and start responding to what happened back then. Your kids, who are paying attention to absolutely everything, are growing up inside that energy. And being right starts to feel like survival, like if you let go of the story you lose the ground beneath your feet.
The reframe is that the way I am does not require them changing. I don’t need an apology or to finally be understood. The reframe was that I get to decide that what we become next matters more than what happened to us and why. I had a choice in the family my kids experienced going forward, no matter what, it was and always is something I have a say in. The reframe is that I can choose the kind of person I want to be in this, regardless of what anyone else chooses, decides or does.
That shift changed everything. And I’ll spend the rest of this series showing you how I got there. But only some of you are ready for it, and that’s okay.
Before you keep reading, I want to try something. Don’t overthink it, just answer honestly, even if only to yourself.
When you talk about your ex, what’s the first word that comes to mind? Hold onto that. It’s the first chapter.
When you imagine your kids in three years, what do you hope they say about how you handled this?
What is the last thing you said about your ex that you wouldn’t want your kids to hear?
If your ex had to describe who you are being right now, what would they say? And is that true?
What have your kids learned about forgiveness by watching you? About resentment? About how people treat each other when things get hard?
What would you lose if you stopped being the one who was wronged?
What is staying in this story costing you that you haven’t let yourself admit yet?
What advice would you give your own kids if they found themselves here someday?
If your ex moved on and was genuinely happy tomorrow, what would you feel? And what does that tell you?
What is it you still need from them? And what happens if it never comes?
What does holding this give you that you aren’t ready to give up yet?
I can only help you step into a new frame if you want to step into it, and that’s just the truth. A reframe offered to someone who isn’t ready doesn’t land, it frustrates, and it feels dismissive of everything they’ve been through. That’s the last thing I want this to be.
So if those questions made you defensive, that’s okay. Bookmark this and come back when the anger has softened even a little.
If those questions landed somewhere real, tell me what came up. Drop a comment, send me a DM, give me the thing you think can't be reframed. That's exactly what I'm here for. This only works if it goes both ways, and Part 2 is going to be built on what you bring me. I'm not writing this into the void. I'm writing it for those who need it.
This series is written for people who are hurting but still open.... open to a different outcome, open to doing hard inner work, open to the possibility that what comes next could be better than what was. The reframe isn’t for everyone. It’s for those who can honestly agree to the following, not perfectly, not all at once, but as a genuine willingness: I am willing to put my kids first even when it costs me something. I can separate who they were as a partner from who they are as a parent. I am more tired of being angry than I am attached to being right. I am willing to do the inner work even when they don’t. I can imagine, even faintly, that something better is possible. I am willing to choose kindness even when it isn’t coming back at me. If your situation involves abuse, real harm, or a person who operates without good faith, please get support before you try to reframe anything. There is no shame in that being the right first step. This will still be here when you’re ready.